Wednesday 30 December 2009

On Coming Back to Life

Well, Christmas is over and with it my promise to myself to stay away from the web and all of its delights. We've feasted and made merry with our nearest and dearest and now life is almost back to normal again.

I say almost but of course the Christmas Tree is still up, we're still working our way through the leftovers and my lovely husband has the rest of the week off work so he's currently tucked up with a good book, a mug of tea and a very warm cat.

I have been a very good boss and insisted to myself that I have a nice long break over Christmas, so as to ensure that my loins are ready to be properly girded for 2010. Because tomorrow, I get my last ever pay cheque from HMG, and after that I'm really and truly on my own.

And that's a thought that concentrates the mind somewhat! So this morning I've been updating my website in readiness for the launch of some new workshops for January, and this afternoon I'll be honing some press releases for local papers.

I'm looking on this as a toe in the water: I won't be back full time till Monday as we still have a number of social activities planned over the next couple of days, but I find that I've been champing at the bit to start work again over the past couple of days, which is certainly NOT a feeling I've experienced at this time of year before!

So it's onwards and upwards for me, and, I hope, for you too.

Monday 14 December 2009

On Being Reborn In Islington

It's 12:49 on Sunday night and I'm so tired I can't sleep. On Friday I went to a Trainer's ThinkTank session in Bristol organised by the marvellous Lee Cottier, which left me buzzing with new connections and loads of new ideas for things I could do to clarify what I'm about and how I want to focus my efforts to ensure that I get the right kind of work for me, and that I don't have to wait too long for it!

This was the only the 2nd ThinkTank that Lee has organised but it has the well-oiled feel of something that's been going for ages and I felt very lucky to be a part of it. It's amazing how my horizons have been expanding: not so long ago I couldn't imagine not being part of the community of my old workplace, and I imagined the world outside to be hostile and scary. Not a bit of it! Everywhere I go, people are warm and welcoming, willing to share their experiences and lend a supporting hand, and very encouraging when I tell them what I'm doing. It feels so refreshing after what my experience at work came to be like, I keep having to pinch myself!

On Saturday, my lovely husband and I spent 8.5 hours on a coach to and from London so that we could go to the Coaching Development Christmas Party in Islington, which was the first time I'd been back to the place where I did my coaching qualification course since it finished in July. We were both shattered because one of the cats had been playing up all night so we'd not had much sleep, but we decided not to take the easy option and stay at home.

And I'm so glad! Despite feeling like the undead on the Tube, once we came up out of the Angel station, and I was surrounded by Islington in all its glory, I suddenly got the most amazing rush of exhilaration, and it lasted me until we got back on the coach 2.5 hours later.

My life changed in Islington. I remember being afraid before I went on the coaching course, because I knew that I would change as a result of it, and I was worried about the impact it would have on me and those around me. I was assuming that the changes would make me dissatisfied with my lot and they did, but not in the way I feared. I think my marriage and my relationship with my children has become stronger as a result of the course, and my relationship with myself and what I want from life has altered out of all recognition.

I now associate Islington with a kind of re-birth. For many of us, the course was something of a spiritual journey, not necessarily in that we found God (well I didn't, I can't speak for anyone else) rather in that we found ourselves and realised our true purpose. I remember being witness so some astonishingly transformative moments as my colleagues got in touch with their innermost fears and desires, and I particularly remember spending one lunchtime sitting alone in glorious sunshine, revelling in just being, and realising that I had finally come to a place of peace and stillness within myself. That lunchtime had a profound effect on me, and the memory is now a touchstone for me when things start to get a bit hectic. The feeling of inner peace has never really left me since then and I suspect it never will.

To be back in that special place, then, and with my special person, was a bit like having all my Christmasses and Birthdays come at once. And on top of that, we went back into the building where it all happened and there were Phil and Colin, my gurus, and lots of lovely chums from my course, all delighting in seeing each other and catching up with the news. It was like I'd never been away and I came away floating on a cloud of love and affection which is still making me smile.

And on top of that, I found when I checked my emails on the way home that I'd had a 2nd article published on ezine - these articles are, for me, part of the concrete proof that my life has taken a radical change of direction. It;s not something that i would ever dreamed of doing in my old life, but suddenly my mind is alive with ideas and possibilities - to the extent that tonight, right before I started writing this blog, I uploaded the first 5 chapters of a children's story to the authonomy website. If you want to have a read, you can find it here. It's called the Blibble and I started writing it 15 years ago, never really thinking it would see the light of day despite the children urging me to finish it over the years.

But now I'm a new version of me, and there are all sort of new possibilities in my life - and why shouldn't I write a book? I'd love to know what you think, and if you have children I'd really love to know what they think - and if enough people want to know what happens next, I shall oblige.

Life is full of possibilities. It can also be full of fears, and I have spent too many years being held in one place by mine. But now I have grasped the nettle, and I don't intend to let go of it.

Thursday 10 December 2009

On Abundance

I've had a perfectly lovely day today. It started (as my days always do, cos I'm extremely lucky) with breakfast brought to me in bed and a whiskerykiss from my lovely husband as he tiptoed out at an ungodly hour to go to work. He is a deeply splendid chap and I love him to bits.

It got even better when I checked my emails and found that I'd had an article (Are You Showing The World Your True Colours?) published by e-zine. This was my first attempt so I'm really thrilled - my second one is awaiting approval and I have a couple of others in the pipeline.

Then I set off for Surrey for some chemistry meetings with prospective clients. It feels like this appointment has been in the diary for ever so I was glad to be on my way at last.

And it was such a beautiful day! As I drove across England I was struck by the beauty of the landscape and how lucky I am to live in the middle of it. And all of that beauty was only enhanced by the sunshine pouring through the windows.

I love driving and I love my little car, and I particularly love to sing while I'm driving, so I accompanied Radio 2 and then gave full voice to the soundtrack from Les Miserables - singing is such a glorious release, particularly when done at the top of ones voice!

I only got lost twice (ahem...please Santa, can I have a TomTom?) and once I'd got there the clients were welcoming and rather lovely - and very excited because Father Christmas was coming to see them at 4:30! I also got to catch up with my friends Anny and Zoe, who I haven't seen since July, and that was really rather special - they're both such good coaches and such glamorous women as well!

And then homewards, listening to the magnificent Chris Evans and picking my equally magnificent (in a different way) daughter Franki up on the way. We had a spirited conversation about Books for Grown Up Boys, Democracy in Costa Rica, and what one would wear to a Politics, Philosophy and Economics Themed Party (I suggested she should cover herself in balloons and get over-excited, and then she could go as hyper-inflation).

And then fish and chips for tea courtesy of my lovely son Joe, as a thank you for giving him a lift home, and now my lovely furry husband has come home bearing mistletoe and more whiskerykisses, and is going to make me some hot milk to go to bed with.

Truly, a life of abundance. I am very, very blessed. And now I'm going to bed!

Tuesday 8 December 2009

On Secular Spirituality

Today I am feeling prolific. I woke up with a head full of ideas and an urge to cook, so by 9:30 the steak and kidney part of the pie was casseroling quietly away to itself, the dishwasher was on and I'd managed to link up my Twitter and Facebook accounts without swearing. Since then I've prepared for some client chemistry meetings on Thursday, registered my business with Google Local, written half an article for an online magazine, cleaned the kitchen AND rediscovered the delights of KT Tunstall's first album, Eye to the Telescope, which I haven't had the chance to listen to for years now!

I have to say, this working from home lark is much easier and more fulfilling when you're working on your own stuff, rather than taking stuff home to do from the office. Suddenly there are no more rules about what I should be doing or when, which makes it all much more exciting and interesting. Let's hope it stays that way!

Right, time for another cup of tea, a chat with my lovely husband so he doesn't feel lonely at work, and then I shall finish and submit my article before going for a swim. Happy days!

Monday 7 December 2009

On Serendipity

Having blogged about my difficulties with marketing, the end of last week saw me attend 2 events that I found really helpful in that regard - proof, to my mind, of the universe conspiring to help me.

On Thursday I went to the monthly meeting of the Gloucestershire Coaches Network. This is a really friendly group, run under the auspices of the CIPD but open to anyone. This month's talk was a presentation by Sharon Gaskin, founder of The Trainers Training Company. Sharon spent an incredibly useful 90 minutes telling us what she'd learnt about how to market a new business effectively - telling us about the mistakes she'd made when she first went into business and giving us her top tips for what to do to build a new business as quickly as possible without wasting time and money. I found Sharon inspirational, and a thoroughly nice person to boot, and I've already started putting some of her ideas into practice.

Then on Friday I spent the day at the Leadership Trust on their annual tutor's day. This is an opportunity for all of their associate tutors, who may not meet up with each other from one year to the next, to get together and do some learning/bonding/generally have a good time together.

Not only did I meet up with an old friend that I haven't seen for 18 years (hello Jean-Luc) and make friends with an adorable 6-week old chap called Iggy (and am alarmed to note that there are still some broody thoughts swirling round my head!!) but I also met a chap called Michael Downey, who has grown his training business Life Changing Activities purely through the use of Search Engine Optimisation, so that from a standing start a few months ago he now has some blue chip clients that have come to him purely through the web.

I'm sure meeting both Sharon and Michael will be of huge benefit to me, and that I bet them both for a reason. I have a real passion for what I'm doing and I am confident that I will succeed, witha little help from my friends...

Thursday 3 December 2009

Proof That Coaching Works!

On the back of yesterday's post (thanks for the comments, folks, it's nice to know I'm not talking to myself!) I spent yesterday evening designing some posters, and this morning I spent a merry couple of hours wandering around Cheltenham asking people to display them for me. So if you happen to be out for a drink or a coffee or some posh clothes in Montpellier or the Suffolks over the weekend, look out for me smiling down at you from the wall.

I was delighted with how ready people were to take my posters, and how encouraging and interested they were when I told them what I was doing - and I'm amazed at how differently I'm thinking about this kind of stuff now that I've given myself a good talking to.
It's too soon to know if this will lead me to any clients, but I still have a list of other places to take my posters so that there will be a fair spread of them around the place - if anyone reading this is a member of a club or society or church that has a notice board and could put a poster up for me, please get in touch!

Wednesday 18 November 2009

I'm Going To Rule The World - But Why Would Anyone Want Me To?

Well here's a thing. I give every appearance of being a confident individual with a grand plan, and yet something inside me is incredibly shy about getting out there and asking for work. I've had a number of coaching conversations about this, and so far nothing's solved the conundrum for me. So this blog is going to be an attempt at self coaching - I'm going to give myself a taste of my own medicine!

Here's the situation:

I know that I have marketable skills and a good USP (if you're not already familiar with it, have a look at my website.)

I have enough confidence in my ideas that I've just given up a 25-year career in the Civil Service, along with the associated non-contributory, index-linked, final salary pension, sick leave, annual cost of living pay-rises etc etc.

I've joined various networks, and I get good feedback and interest from the people I'm meeting; I've also contacted a number of people I've come across over the years to update them on my plans.

But I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with myself as I feel a kind of paralysis coming over me when it comes to doing anything more overt in terms of marketing. I want to understand what's behind the paralysis, and what I can do to overcome it.

With other coaches I've explored the idea that it might in some way be linked with something from my upbringing ("Don't show off") or the fact that I've spent an entire career being actively discouraged from talking about what I do. Clearly these are learned behaviours that aren't helpful in this situation, but I'm not satisfied that they are the root causes of this problem.

I've looked at whether it's because anything with the "marketing" label is unfamiliar territory, and I know I do have a tendency to panic and freeze if I don't know what to do - but then, I've done marketing for other things and it's never been a problem.

I've spent a number of sessions brainstorming ideas for things I could do to publicise myself, and I've acted upon some of them, but it doesn't feel like enough and it doesn't feel wholehearted.

So I'm left with some ideas and a feeling that I'm somehow letting myself down. Before I gave up the day job I made excuses that it was because I didn't have enough time, but I know that's not what this is really about. So what's going on here? Do I really have a problem, or am I just expecting too much of myself? I want to understand what it is I really want to achieve, whether marketing is the right thing to do to achieve it, and then decide what action I'm going to take.

And this is where the self-coaching experiment begins:

What are you frightened of?
Good question! (hasn't been asked before, and it came to me while I was typing the above). What am I frightened of? The first thing that comes to mind is rejection. What if I put myself out there, and find out that nobody's interested? Or that I'm not as skilled as I think I am? Will I discover that I've given up a secure job with good money for a pipe-dream that's never going to come true? I think this boils down to "what if nobody likes me?" - if I don't ask them I'll never find out if they don't, so it's safer not to ask.

What reactions have you had so far?

Very positive. Initially from friends/family and colleagues, but lately I've been networking with people that haven't met me before and the reception has all been positive. I've made a number of contacts that have been very complementary and interested in meeting up to discuss more - so why have I been shy of doing so? And the answer that comes back is "because they probably didn't mean it, they were just being polite". Hmmm...there's that rejection thing again.

How likely is it that they were just being polite?

Not very, actually, because during those networking sessions I've also come across people who weren't interested, and although we had perfectly pleasant conversations, it was clear that there was no interest in pursuing things. So if I actually think about it, I know that there are a bunch of potential clients out there who've met me, liked what they saw and heard and want to hear more from me - and I'm really keen to learn more about them as well.

So why have you not done anything about it?
Hmmm....not sure. Are they the right sort of potential clients? Some of them are, undoubtedly - and at the moment any kind of potential client is a good one! Maybe it's the length of the list, because I've got quite a long list now - I guess I don't have to do them all at once, so maybe if I promise myself to do 2 or 3 a day that will feel less intimidating.

What specifically is it that feels intimidating here?
I've always had a bit of a reluctance to ring people up out of the blue - even people I know, so there's some kind of shyness there. And although I know what my USP is, sometimes I get tongue-tied explaining it to people. So maybe what I need to do first is to get completely clear in my head who I am, what I'm about and what kind of work I'm looking for. That should make it easier to decide who to contact about what rather than doing a one size fits all approach. And saying that, I'm thinking that I've already done my market segmentation, so I know what I want to do and who I want to do it for, and I'm thinking that maybe part of my problem is that I keep having more ideas about things I could do, and they're stopping me from focusing. Yes, that sounds very likely, knowing me - I have lots of ideas and I like new things, so I get caught up in the excitement of the possible, rather than concentrating on the things that I've already decided to do. Aha! So - I could start a list of ideas, to keep and stroke and refer back to when I need them, but I should also focus back onto my target markets and think specifically about the best ways in which to approach them. Right - that feels both sensible and useful - so instead of scribbling my endless ideas on random bits of paper, I shall record them in a Special Book of Ideas so that I know where to find them when I want them - and then I can also sort out which ones will be of use for my target audiences.

That sounds like the start of a plan - you're going to keep an ideas book so that you can record your ideas safely, but also so that you can filter out the ones that might be interesting projects for the future but won't necessarily be of benefit right now.
Yes - I already have a beautiful empty notebook just waiting to be used - and I like the symbolism of having a beautiful book of ideas.

OK, so let's look at your target audiences and what you need to do to reach out to them.
I like the phrase "reach out to them" - it feels much more personal and less cynical than marketing. Ah! That was interesting - I don't think I'd realised there was a connection in my mind between marketing and cynicism before, but now that I think about it I'm aware of a feeling that there's some level of dishonesty associated with marketing - that it's about spin and gloss and only telling one side of the story. And I really don't want to do that - one of my core values is about authenticity and I would never want to make false promises or have a client turn round and say they'd been sold a pup.

So it sounds like you're making an assumption that marketing is inherently dishonest and you don't wish to be dishonest in your dealings with your clients - could that be what's holding you back?
It's certainly a new thought, and the more I think about the word "marketing" the more I'm conjuring up images of slick, greedy ad-men and snake-oil peddlers. And that's very clearly an unhelpful and limiting assumption for me to have at the moment because I'll never get any work if I don't let people know about me.

I think I'm hearing that it's actually the word "marketing" that gives you a problem, because of the things it makes you think of - how could you reframe what you need to do so that you don't have to think about "marketing" with all of the associated baggage?
Well I like the idea of "reaching out" to people, because it's a very visual image and it also conveys something to do with being helpful - it's altogether a much more positive image - I'd rather be reaching out to help someone than selling them something they don't need. Aha! Another unhelpful assumption about marketing! Strangely enough, the word "advertising" doesn't have the same negative overtones as "marketing" either - I feel perfectly comfortable with the idea of advertising my services. So, I want to concentrate on finding the best ways to advertise my services so that I can reach out to my target audiences. That feels MUCH better and far more wholesome, I'm comfortable with that idea.

OK, so we now have 2 elements to your plan - firstly there's the Beautiful Book of Ideas, and secondly you're going to concentrate on finding the best ways to advertise your services so that you can reach out to your target audiences.
Yes - and I feel much better already for having uncovered what the real blockage was. So now I want to really focus in on those target audiences, prioritise the order in which I want to address them, and then come up with 2 or 3 things I can do to reach out to each group.

OK - so tell me about your target audiences
I've identified 3 - I want to work with individuals, as a personal coach; I want to work in schools/universities with high-performing young people and perhaps their teachers; and I want to work within corporations providing Executive and/or Senior management Coaching and leadership Development. And while I've been typing that, I've realised that what I haven't done is to prioritise or to make any attempt to focus my attentions on any particular group - and that's clearly what I need to do.

So what thoughts are you having about that now?
Well, I think that corporate work is going to take the longest to sort out, but it will be the most lucrative in the end. I've made some contacts already and have a couple of leads to follow up, which I shall do in the next couple of weeks, but if I concentrate solely on that it will be a while before I see any money coming in and I do need to start earning before too long. I think that, at least initially, personal work is where I should be focusing and I think this is exactly the time of year to do that - now is when people start to make New Year's Resolutions and I've already had some ideas around what I could offer. I'm quite strapped for cash, but I don't need to spend that much money to advertise what I've got in mind initially, and if the low cost advertising takes off then I will be able to expand my advertising into places where it will cost me to advertise.

OK, so you've got a couple of corporate leads to follow up but you're expecting that to take some time, so initially you want to focus your efforts on personal coaching, and you have some ideas around how to do that at not much expense. What about your 3rd group?
The schools, yes. I've been in to one school and I've sent speculative emails out to several others and to the LEA but had no response - and that makes me unwilling to follow up because I assume it means they're not interested.

Ah - what else could it mean?
Well any number of things - the emails could have gone to the wrong address, they could have been sifted out by spam filters, they could have been read and then forgotten about because people are very busy - I have to say that emails don't come with any distinctive stamp or personality about them, and that's a big part of my USP - my email is just going to get lost in a pile with everyone else's, I need to contact people in a way that's distinctive and stands out. And now I'm slapping my forehead because I've had some gloriously distinctive stationery printed, which isn't going to get lost in anyone's intray! So, if I want to renew my efforts with the schools side of things I need to think carefully about my offer and then send some beautiful, distinctive hard-copy letters and brochures out - and make it really easy for people to reply to me -s o SAEs will need to be enclosed. I already have brochures that I can enclose so half the work is already done.

OK that sounds like another plan - tell me where you are now with your thinking.
Right - so now I'm concentrating on reaching out to my target audiences and letting them know what I can do for them and( importantly to me) why I want to work specifically with them. I already have some actions in hand with regard to finding corporate clients, but I'm looking on that as a longer term, more strategic project. My tactical approach will be to focus on advertising to potential personal coaching clients, concentrating specifically on coaching around New Year's Resolutions. In tandem with that, I will put together a memorable mail-shot to local schools, the LEA and other groups associated with young people.
I feel much better and more positive now that I've dealt with the idea of "marketing" and its associations, and realised that it's not appropriate for what I want to be doing at the moment.

That all sounds positive - when are you going to do all of these things?
Well the corporate stuff is already planned in, so that will happen in the next couple of weeks. I shall work on my advertising materials today and tomorrow with the aim of having them ready to distribute early next week. Once that's done, I will work on my mailshot and aim to send that out by the end of next week.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to do that?
I'd say barring anything unforeseen, around an 8 or 9.

What would need to happen to make it a 10?
I'd need to know I was letting someone down (apart from myself!) if I didn't do it. So, dear reader, if you've read this far, it would really help me if you could add a comment letting me know what you think, if you have any hints and tips that might help me - and that you'll be checking up on me to find out how I've got on!





Monday 2 November 2009

On How We Can Bring About World Peace By Being Happy

I've found that, in the couple of weeks since I resigned, my mood has got sunnier and sunnier. It's reminded me of how important it is to take stock and reconnect with the little things in life that make us happy. And I reckon, if we all think happy thoughts, we can bring about World Peace...

I've been enjoying my own enjoyment of life, and it's got me thinking of how often we rush through life with our heads down, intent on getting through this task so that we can get onto the next one. The heads down thing may be metaphorical, but, particularly at this time of year, it becomes a physical thing as well - as the dark takes over and the weather buffets us, you see people with their shoulders hunched and their heads down against the dark and the cold.

Your posture and your mood are very closely linked - if you nail on a smile, stand tall and look the world right in the eye (as Jim Reeves once said) you will start to feel better; if you hunch over, don't make eye contact and act depressed, you can very quickly make yourself feel that way - and I wonder whether the fact that many of us feel down in the winter has as much to do with the way we hold ourselves as it does to a lack of sunlight.

During one of my bouts of depression, someone once suggested to me that, at the end of each day, I should try recalling three things that had made me feel happy during that day. They didn't have to be big things and, in the midst of a bout of serious depression, "happy" might have been too strong a word to use, but recalling three good things each day was suggested as a useful tool to help me to start noticing the positives in my life. If I went a stage further and wrote them down, I'd also have something to look back on during the really bad times, to remind me that there were still some lights in the darkness.

At first it was almost impossible, but after a while I got into the rhythm and understood what they'd meant by "happy". Some examples from that time (written during a holiday in Finland) include:
  • the utter peacefulness of being in a rowing boat alone in the middle of a lake
  • a picture my son drew for me
  • a phone call from my daughter
  • birthday presents chosen with love and care
  • a deer appearing through the trees and standing very still to observe us, before disappearing again
  • watching the Naked Gun and enjoying my son's enjoyment of it
  • coffee and cake with my husband in a cafe in Helsinki
None of these are big things, but they were points of light in a difficult time, and the memory of them still makes me feel warm and happy some years afterwards.

As often happens, when the immediate danger passes it can be all too easy to let your guard down, so once I was well again I stopped deliberately taking notice of what was making me happy, and if I did notice I didn't bother to write them down.

But this week a funny thing has happened. I'm feeling SO happy I wanted to record it in some way, and to share it with people because I don't think we do enough of that. Maybe it's something to do with being British - we tend to bond over shared complaints about the weather, or poor service in shops, or how late the bus is, but we don't tend to talk very much about the things we're enjoying - and one of the things I've noticed is that, when I try, people look at me as if I'm a bit odd...maybe I am a bit odd....but wouldn't the world be a nicer place if we were more willing to invite people to share in our everyday happinesses as well as our everyday disappointments? Or even instead of?

Which is why I've started Tweeting about my happies and why I'd like people to join in. I'm going to bust a gut to record my 3 #happies every day, and to encourage others to do the same - if this takes off, and #happies makes it into the top 10 memes, we'd be in a situation where thousands of people were all thinking happy thoughts every day, sharing them, and enjoying other people's happy thoughts too - and if that's not a recipe for World Peace I don't know what is!

So join in, tell all your friends, and see how long it is before all the world is sharing #happies...

Wednesday 28 October 2009

On Being Brave Enough To Be Truly Yourself

Can you be truly happy and fulfilled if you're always trying to pretend to be someone or something you're not?

And what's the worst that could happen if you decided to let the world see the real you?

Two conversations this week with different people have led me to want to talk about this subject, which is very dear to my heart as it's the underlying basis that Colourful Coaching is built around - that the world would be a better place if we all felt at peace with our true selves and could concentrate on using and developing our natural talents and gifts, rather than wasting energy trying to be something we're not.

I well remember the sheer misery of being a teenager and feeling like I was an alien - wherever I was and whoever I was with, I felt awkward and uncomfortable, constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

I felt as if I was the wrong size and shape, wore the wrong clothes, liked the wrong music, enjoyed the wrong passtimes and was just generally wrong. Part of the reason I enjoy Harry Enfield's creation Kevin the Teenager is that I remember alarmingly well how it felt to believe that the entire world was against me and no-one understood me - Kevin's eternal cry of "It's so unfair" is a very useful shorthand for all of those miserable feelings.

As we get older, it tends to be the case that we become more comfortable in our own skin and less concerned with what the rest of the world thinks of us. But that doesn't make it any easier to let the world see our true colours. All sorts of things can lead us to believe that we need to behave in a certain way, and we end up living a life that makes us feel dissatisfied or unhappy in some way.

  • "I really want to do something creative but that's a childish idea"
  • "I hate my job but it's unrealistic to expect to enjoy what you do for a living"
  • "My parents will be really angry if I don't do what they want me to do, even though I hate the idea"
  • "I have to earn at least £80k to be a success but I really want to work with vulnerable people and that doesn't pay"
  • "Living my life this way makes me depressed, but it's what my wife/husband expects of me so I have no choice"
  • "What my job requires of me feels totally unethical and goes against my personal values but I'm trapped here"
These are all variations of things clients have said to me, or that I have said to myself over the years, and they are all examples of the tension that arises when we try to be something we're not.

Living your life to fulfil someone elses's expectations is a sure route to unhappiness because you're always going to be at war within yourself.

Living your life to match up to assumptions you've made about how life should be lived, rather than living the kind of life that will fulfil you, will inevitably kill your spirit.

There are so many people out there who appear to have it all but are actually living dull, grey lives - people who appear to have the perfect job/house/marriage/bank account/figure/kids but plod through their days feeling somehow let down or frustrated by life.

Are you one of those people?

Ask yourself these 3 questions:

  • How do I feel at the prospect of another 20 years of living as I do today?
  • If I knew I was brave enough, what would I change about my life?
  • What does the Real Me want to do with my life?
You know already whether or not you're living a life that serves your values and allows your real self to thrive. If you are, make sure you take the time to appreciate the fact, and to appreciate that you are fortunate enough to have people around you to support you, as I do.

If you're not, maybe it's time to start thinking about taking your first steps towards getting back in touch with the real you, so that you can reveal your true colours to the world in all their glory and start to achieve your true potential.

Think what an amazing world we would be living in if everyone did the same...

Thursday 22 October 2009

Noticing

I have a bartering arrangement going with one of my clients - I get a one hour one-to-one yoga lesson in return for a one hour coaching session. Fair exchange is no robbery, and I'm more than happy to be receiving payment in kind instead of money (and if there are any massage therapists in and around Cheltenham who'd like some coaching in exchange for giving me a massage, please get in touch!)

I'm new to yoga - it's something I've been thinking about for a while and the right time seems to have arrived. During this week's session I became aware that there are some really strong links between the practices of yoga and coaching, and the one I want to talk about here is noticing.

We start each yoga lesson with my yoga teacher reminding me how to stand correctly. He does this starting from the toes up, and as he encourages me to get my body into alignment, he constantly tells me to notice things - notice how your feet are on the floor - notice where your weight is, is it even or is it to one side - notice whether your core is strong - notice how your head is held on your neck - notice whether there is tension in your shoulders. The more notice I take of my body, and how I'm inhabiting it, the more I become aware of when I'm not holding myself correctly. And the more I try to hold myself correctly, the more I become aware that, when I can get myself into something resembling the correct posture, the more it seems like my body is holding me, rather than the other way around. I know it will be a long slow process to get it right and keep it right because I've got a lot of years of bad posture to undo, but I can already understand the difference it will make to me if I keep on noticing.

Noticing is also key for me as a coach and in terms of my own personal development. As a coach, I spend my time focussing on my client, listening to what they do and don't say, and doing my best to take notice of the story behind the words. It's my job to then tell my client what I notice about what they've said, so that they can see things from another perspective. I think of it as being like a tour guide - I have the torch and I can shine lights into the corners of the clients mind so that they can get a clearer view of what's there.

When you listen to someone with you whole attention, and then repeat back to them what you heard, and what you noticed about what you heard, it can often sound to the client as if you've revealed a profound truth to them, but one so obvious that they can't believe they hadn't thought of it for themselves. Often a client will thank me for, in their words, making a really good suggestion. In reality, what I've done is to illuminate thoughts they've already had but not looked at closely enough to make sense of. In noticing those ideas and bringing them to my client's notice, I've ensured that the client can make full use of them.

Learning to notice what's going on in my own thinking has been just as useful and anyone can learn to do it. We all have an internal dialogue going on - and if someone inside your head is saying "what's she talking about? I haven't got an internal dialogue" - then I'm here to tell you that that was it, denying it's own existence! More often than not, we let that little voice chunter away all day every day. We probably think we don't take much notice of it, but actually it can form the basis of a lot of our actions, and colour our opinions on many things. When we jump to conclusions or make assumptions about things, it can often be because our internal dialogue has led us there. Becoming consciously aware of what's happening in that dialogue, and noticing the effect it's having on everything from our mood to our behaviour, is a really good way of starting to examine patterns of unhelpful behaviour in ourselves and in others and it's a crucial first step in learning to coach yourself.

Wednesday 14 October 2009

A Leap of Faith

Well, what a week it's been. On October 9th I launched my company, Colourful Coaching Ltd, with a "cupcakes and fizz" party, and on the following Wednesday I resigned from 25 years of employment in the Civil Service. Six months ago that was an unthinkable action, but on Wednesday I was on a real high, and that feeling hasn't gone away - somehow, I know that this was indisputably the right decision - I feel as though a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders and my lovely husband says that I look like a new woman.

It's been an amazing 18 months, and I've learned an astonishing amount about myself and what I'm capable of in that time. In the summer of 2008 I went on a course at the Leadership Trust I found there that I was capable of facing my fears and the feeling of elation when I succeeded was overwhelming. At the end of the course, one of the other participants gave me the gift of some feedback that has stayed with me ever since: he said to me that I was currently operating well within my comfort zone, and that he thought that I had far greater potential than I realised.

Then this year, I finally realised a long-held ambition to achieve a coaching qualification. I came across coaching about 5 years ago and realised I had some natural talent. I've been using coaching techniques in my work since then, whilst reading up on the subject and practicing on friends and family, but the 5 months I spent under the tutelage of Philip Brew and Colin Brett from Coaching Development were literally life-changing. Thanks to their masterful coaching and the love and support of a remarkable bunch of fellow trainees, I have found what I believe to be the reason why I was put on the planet. A key part of learning to be a coach is receiving coaching yourself, and the coaching I had has enabled me to understand that scary things can also be good for you; that I had, actually, already taken the decision to leave the Civil Service, I just hadn't been ready to admit it to myself; and that I posess skills, qualities and an approach to life that other people find inspirational.

I truly believe that EVERYONE has far more potential than they realise, and that most of us never get the chance to realise it. So Colourful Coaching Ltd exists to try to give as many people as possible that chance. In this blog I'll be talking about my experiences as I go it alone in business, and what I learn along the way. Whenever I come across a book or a film or a web page that speaks to me, I'll post it hear. I may well end up writing for myself, but that will be a valuable excercise in itself.

To finish today, here's a quote from Goethe that a very dear friend sent me when I told him I'd resigned:

"
The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way."