On Being Brave Enough To Be Truly Yourself

Can you be truly happy and fulfilled if you're always trying to pretend to be someone or something you're not?

And what's the worst that could happen if you decided to let the world see the real you?

Two conversations this week with different people have led me to want to talk about this subject, which is very dear to my heart as it's the underlying basis that Colourful Coaching is built around - that the world would be a better place if we all felt at peace with our true selves and could concentrate on using and developing our natural talents and gifts, rather than wasting energy trying to be something we're not.

I well remember the sheer misery of being a teenager and feeling like I was an alien - wherever I was and whoever I was with, I felt awkward and uncomfortable, constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

I felt as if I was the wrong size and shape, wore the wrong clothes, liked the wrong music, enjoyed the wrong passtimes and was just generally wrong. Part of the reason I enjoy Harry Enfield's creation Kevin the Teenager is that I remember alarmingly well how it felt to believe that the entire world was against me and no-one understood me - Kevin's eternal cry of "It's so unfair" is a very useful shorthand for all of those miserable feelings.

As we get older, it tends to be the case that we become more comfortable in our own skin and less concerned with what the rest of the world thinks of us. But that doesn't make it any easier to let the world see our true colours. All sorts of things can lead us to believe that we need to behave in a certain way, and we end up living a life that makes us feel dissatisfied or unhappy in some way.

• "I really want to do something creative but that's a childish idea"
• "I hate my job but it's unrealistic to expect to enjoy what you do for a living"
• "My parents will be really angry if I don't do what they want me to do, even though I hate the idea"
• "I have to earn at least £80k to be a success but I really want to work with vulnerable people and that doesn't pay"
• "Living my life this way makes me depressed, but it's what my wife/husband expects of me so I have no choice"
• "What my job requires of me feels totally unethical and goes against my personal values but I'm trapped here"
  

These are all variations of things clients have said to me, or that I have said to myself over the years, and they are all examples of the tension that arises when we try to be something we're not.

Living your life to fulfil someone elses's expectations is a sure route to unhappiness because you're always going to be at war within yourself.

Living your life to match up to assumptions you've made about how life should be lived, rather than living the kind of life that will fulfil you, will inevitably kill your spirit.

There are so many people out there who appear to have it all but are actually living dull, grey lives - people who appear to have the perfect job/house/marriage/bank account/figure/kids but plod through their days feeling somehow let down or frustrated by life.

Are you one of those people?

Ask yourself these 3 questions:

• How do I feel at the prospect of another 20 years of living as I do today?

• If I knew I was brave enough, what would I change about my life?

• What does the Real Me want to do with my life?

You know already whether or not you're living a life that serves your values and allows your real self to thrive. If you are, make sure you take the time to appreciate the fact, and to appreciate that you are fortunate enough to have people around you to support you, as I do.

If you're not, maybe it's time to start thinking about taking your first steps towards getting back in touch with the real you, so that you can reveal your true colours to the world in all their glory and start to achieve your true potential.

Think what an amazing world we would be living in if everyone did the same...

Noticing

I have a bartering arrangement going with one of my clients - I get a one hour one-to-one yoga lesson in return for a one hour coaching session. Fair exchange is no robbery, and I'm more than happy to be receiving payment in kind instead of money (and if there are any massage therapists in and around Cheltenham who'd like some coaching in exchange for giving me a massage, please get in touch!)

I'm new to yoga - it's something I've been thinking about for a while and the right time seems to have arrived. During this week's session I became aware that there are some really strong links between the practices of yoga and coaching, and the one I want to talk about here is noticing.

We start each yoga lesson with my yoga teacher reminding me how to stand correctly. He does this starting from the toes up, and as he encourages me to get my body into alignment, he constantly tells me to notice things - notice how your feet are on the floor - notice where your weight is, is it even or is it to one side - notice whether your core is strong - notice how your head is held on your neck - notice whether there is tension in your shoulders. The more notice I take of my body, and how I'm inhabiting it, the more I become aware of when I'm not holding myself correctly. And the more I try to hold myself correctly, the more I become aware that, when I can get myself into something resembling the correct posture, the more it seems like my body is holding me, rather than the other way around. I know it will be a long slow process to get it right and keep it right because I've got a lot of years of bad posture to undo, but I can already understand the difference it will make to me if I keep on noticing.

Noticing is also key for me as a coach and in terms of my own personal development. As a coach, I spend my time focussing on my client, listening to what they do and don't say, and doing my best to take notice of the story behind the words. It's my job to then tell my client what I notice about what they've said, so that they can see things from another perspective. I think of it as being like a tour guide - I have the torch and I can shine lights into the corners of the clients mind so that they can get a clearer view of what's there.

When you listen to someone with you whole attention, and then repeat back to them what you heard, and what you noticed about what you heard, it can often sound to the client as if you've revealed a profound truth to them, but one so obvious that they can't believe they hadn't thought of it for themselves. Often a client will thank me for, in their words, making a really good suggestion. In reality, what I've done is to illuminate thoughts they've already had but not looked at closely enough to make sense of. In noticing those ideas and bringing them to my client's notice, I've ensured that the client can make full use of them.

Learning to notice what's going on in my own thinking has been just as useful and anyone can learn to do it. We all have an internal dialogue going on - and if someone inside your head is saying "what's she talking about? I haven't got an internal dialogue" - then I'm here to tell you that that was it, denying it's own existence! More often than not, we let that little voice chunter away all day every day. We probably think we don't take much notice of it, but actually it can form the basis of a lot of our actions, and colour our opinions on many things. When we jump to conclusions or make assumptions about things, it can often be because our internal dialogue has led us there. Becoming consciously aware of what's happening in that dialogue, and noticing the effect it's having on everything from our mood to our behaviour, is a really good way of starting to examine patterns of unhelpful behaviour in ourselves and in others and it's a crucial first step in learning to coach yourself.

A Leap of Faith

Well, what a week it's been. On October 9th I launched my company, Colourful Coaching Ltd, with a "cupcakes and fizz" party, and on the following Wednesday I resigned from 25 years of employment in the Civil Service. Six months ago that was an unthinkable action, but on Wednesday I was on a real high, and that feeling hasn't gone away - somehow, I know that this was indisputably the right decision - I feel as though a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders and my lovely husband says that I look like a new woman.

It's been an amazing 18 months, and I've learned an astonishing amount about myself and what I'm capable of in that time. In the summer of 2008 I went on a course at the Leadership Trust I found there that I was capable of facing my fears and the feeling of elation when I succeeded was overwhelming. At the end of the course, one of the other participants gave me the gift of some feedback that has stayed with me ever since: he said to me that I was currently operating well within my comfort zone, and that he thought that I had far greater potential than I realised.

Then this year, I finally realised a long-held ambition to achieve a coaching qualification. I came across coaching about 5 years ago and realised I had some natural talent. I've been using coaching techniques in my work since then, whilst reading up on the subject and practicing on friends and family, but the 5 months I spent under the tutelage of Philip Brew and Colin Brett from Coaching Development were literally life-changing. Thanks to their masterful coaching and the love and support of a remarkable bunch of fellow trainees, I have found what I believe to be the reason why I was put on the planet. A key part of learning to be a coach is receiving coaching yourself, and the coaching I had has enabled me to understand that scary things can also be good for you; that I had, actually, already taken the decision to leave the Civil Service, I just hadn't been ready to admit it to myself; and that I posess skills, qualities and an approach to life that other people find inspirational.

I truly believe that EVERYONE has far more potential than they realise, and that most of us never get the chance to realise it. So Colourful Coaching Ltd exists to try to give as many people as possible that chance. In this blog I'll be talking about my experiences as I go it alone in business, and what I learn along the way. Whenever I come across a book or a film or a web page that speaks to me, I'll post it hear. I may well end up writing for myself, but that will be a valuable excercise in itself.

To finish today, here's a quote from Goethe that a very dear friend sent me when I told him I'd resigned:

"The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way."