On Having One Of Those Days

I'm having One Of Those Days. I get them every now and again and it's almost as if my body is trying to give me a not-so-subtle reminder of what it's like to be in the midst of a depressive phase. I wake up, and the black dog is sitting on my chest, panting at me. He proceeds to spend the rest of the day following me around and oozing gloom at me, until I give up and go to bed. Usually when this happens, I recognise that it's only going to last for a day and give in to it, in the knowledge that I'll wake up tomorrow to a new day and all will be well again.

But today I've been driving myself potty by trying to work out what's brought it on. My lovely son (see photo, taken by the splendid Mr Rhys Jones, aka Photo Maestro ) has even tried to coach me through it, bless him. But still the dog remains. So I'm going to use today's blog to tune in to my inner voice, to find out what's going on.

Here are the first things I notice that my inner voice is saying to me:

• Eat chocolate and you'll feel better
• Go back to bed and you'll feel better
• You've let yourself down by not doing your yoga this morning, and even when you tried to make up for it a while ago it was only a half-hearted attempt so you let yourself down again then
• Everything's too difficult today, so don't bother doing anything
• There's too much to do and no-one else is going to do it
• Just sit very still and very quiet and try to stop thinking
• It's too much effort to talk to anyone in the flesh so don't go anywhere and then you'll be safe
  

Blimey, it's no wonder I feel like crap!

Well, I know that eating chocolate and going back to bed won't make me feel better in the long run, so I can discount them, tempting as they are. I guess really they are attempts to soothe my inner child - here, have a magic sweetie and it'll all be all right - my attempts to kiss it better. So, I may be doing it in an unhelpful way, but at least part of me is trying to look after me and at least I've learned that these options aren't actually all that helpful. Now that I think about it, I can see that going for a walk would do me far more good - although that would involve getting dressed first....told you it was a bad day!

The 3rd one, about the yoga, is interesting. I've been having irregular yoga lessons since before Christmas, and when I went on my NLP course last weekend, one of the things I decided I wanted to have different in my life was to practice yoga more regularly. We were learning about swishing and I volunteered to have the technique demonstrated on me, so that I would replace my previous, slug-like approach to the mornings with a desire to leap out of bed and go through my yoga routine every other day. And you know what? It worked! Last week I ached more than I've ached in a very long time, because of all the unaccustomed exercise. I felt fantastic and I was eager to keep doing it, and to banish the slug version of me.

And then this morning, I allowed the slug to take over. It was a conscious choice and as I'm typing this, I'm wondering which came first, the Slug or the Black Dog? Because I'm very aware that my inner voice has been telling me off ever since I decided to stay in bed and finish my book this morning. And actually, I'm now aware that I finished my book, rather than just reading a couple of chapters and then getting up, almost as an act of defiance. It was as if somewhere inside my head my teenage self was saying "The more you keep on nagging, the longer I'm going to lie here reading, just to piss you off!"

How interesting - I've sabotaged myself. And I feel much brighter for having that realisation. I can also see that the rest of the list of things the Inner Voice has been telling me today are further acts of self-sabotage.

I wonder why we sabotage ourselves? I read a fascinating article by Oliver Burkeman in Saturday's Guardian, all about how we are drawn towards the easiest option all the time, and I recognised myself in what he described. And that's what I did this morning - instead of making the effort to get up and get on with the day, I gave in to the easiest option and have spent the day simultaneously punishing myself and stopping myself from making any further effort.

I am fully aware that one of my Gremlins (the things that hold us back or stop us from doing things) is the voice that says "it's all to too much effort, I can't be arsed". These days I'm pretty adept at spotting when it's happening, and I've learnt to ask it what it's trying to protect me from. So, assuming that Mr Can't B. Arsed the Gremlin was around this morning, what was he trying to protect me from when I allowed him to talk me into staying in bed? I suspect that he, and his cronies, are all too aware that a significant change in lifestyle is creeping up on them, and this was an attempt to hold it at bay. If I derail my attempts to change, I can slip back into my old, familiar, comfortable ways of being and doing, and I'd be lying if I said that that's not at least partly attractive.

All change involves effort, and all change involves a certain degree of discomfort. I've been through a monumental amount of change over the past year and I've promised myself that there's a lot more to come. I suspect that at least a part of my self is begging for mercy and just wants to be allowed to go back to sleep again, and that part came to the fore this morning.

But I can't let it have its way otherwise all my hard work up to now will have been for nothing. I'll revisit my NLP notes and make sure that my Swish is brought back to life, so that I can be a better support to myself tomorrow morning.

And for today, I'm going to forgive myself. I am, after all, only human, and everyone's allowed a little stumble now and again. And that's all today has been - a little stumble. My goals are all still as they were and I KNOW that I will achieve them.

So - I'm off to get dressed and do the grocery shopping. And I may just allow myself a very small bar of Green & Blacks as a treat....

On Defeating the Elephant of Death

I had a fantastic yoga session last week. Adam, my lovely instructor, knows I like words so he always tells me both the Sanskrit and the Hindi(?) names for the poses, and the Latin names for various muscles. And he helpfully translates the Sanskrit/Hindi for me as well, my Sanskrit being ever so slightly rusty these days....

Anyway, last Friday I learnt about the Lion that Defeats the Elephant of Death which, as I'm sure you all know, is all to do with strengthening your core abdominal muscles.

After we'd had a giggle at the name, and Adam had suggested what a splendid title it would make for a blog post, we fell to wondering how it had come about its name. Adam reckoned that it was because, when you do it properly, you pull all of your internal organs back up into place, lift your diaphragm and stand up straight - that's what strengthens your core and must make you healthier because your insides aren't all being squished against each other.

I think that's part of it, but I think it goes deeper than that. As part of the work I do helping people to become more confident I use some of what I've learned from Adam. First off, we talk about the effect your posture can have on your mood, and then I ask them to show me the posture that they associate with shy people. We get a lot of demonstrations of arm folding, leg twisting and staring at the carpet, which generally leads on to a discussion about what messages that posture sends out to other people - and it's "keep away because I'm not worthy".

So then I channel Adam and show them how to stand straight and strong as I have been taught. This involves Defeating the Elephant of Death and I've seen it have a very profound effect on people.

When we move from a posture that tells the world that we think we have no place in it (a closed body, looking down, arms folded - the classic "I'm shy, don't notice me") to one of strength and confidence (standing straight, shoulders back, head up, making eye contact) we ourselves feel differently. I will never forget the (very shy) lady who said, in wonderment, "It's so much easier being like this! I feel like I belong in this space and I have a right to be here". All because I had encouraged her to think about her posture.

I wonder whether the Elephant of Death is a metaphor for the fears that keep us small and looking down? After all, what's keeping us down is usually the fear that we are not worthy, or that we somehow don't belong, or that other people won't want to hear from us, or any other of the millions of reasons that we hide our true colours from the world. Once you realise that the only thing stopping you is your fear, it becomes easier to handle it. And standing up straight, grounding yourself and finding the core of strength inside you makes physiological changes that result in altered brain chemistry, so that you automatically start to FEEL braver and stronger.

And that's how you conquer the Elephant of Death - by looking him squarely in the eye and challenging him to a duel of wits. And I guarantee, if you do that, you'll win every time.

An update: adam has now read my blog, and has sent me the following:

"We probably need to amend something though, as clearly in the intensity of our semi-nirvana I've mis-stated or you've mis-heard or some mutual combination.

Uddiyana Bandha is 'The elephant that conquers death'; elephants are sacred / lucky divine in Indian thought (think Ganesha) and wouldn't be a representative of death.

So more accurately, mastering this exercise is getting Nellie on your side. There is another layer of symbolism here because of cause elephants enjoy relative longevity compared to humans.

Good practice of uddiyana lifts us up; makes us strong and foursquare under life's weight - an indefatigable pachyderm, who won't be pushed down and compressed by the burdens of daily life."

I apologise unreservedly for misrepresenting him - I have no doubt whatsoever that I misheard what he said!

On Valuing Yourself

Let's start with some rhetorical questions:

1) If you're a parent, what kind of life do you believe your children deserve? How do you whow them how much you value them?

Most loving parents desperately want their children to be happy, healthy and fulfilled, and do their utmost to make that happen. When they are little, we try to ensure they eat a good, healthy diet and get plenty of exercise. We cuddle them and read to them and play with them; we kiss it better when it hurts and we keep them safe while also giving them room to learn about risks and danger in a healthy way. As they get older, we gradually step back until they have enough space to stretch their wings and fly safely from the nest.

And as parents we know that Philip Larkin was right - despite all of our best intentions we still manage to get some stuff wrong and there will always be things that our children will hold against us. But if we've done our very best, our children will be secure in the knowledge that we value them above all else.

2) If you have a partner, what kind of life do you believe they deserve, and how do you show them how much you value them?

I believe that loving partners want only the best for each other. It's easy for that basic want to get lost in amongst the dishwashing, laundry, last-minute business trips and school holidays that make up family life, but a loving couple will still find the time somehow to look out for each other and do whatever they can to show each other they care. In my marriage, one of the ways this manifests itself is in my lovely husband bringing me tea and breakfast in bed every morning without fail (unless he's too ill to get up, which is very rare). It's only a little thing, but every morning I wake up to a reminder of how loved and valued I am - and that's not a little thing at all.

Now here comes the killer quesion: What kind of life do you think you deserve? And how do you show yourself how much you value yourself?

Do you make sure that you're happy, healthy and fulfilled? Or do your needs come at the bottom of the list, only to be tended to when you've made sure everyone else is OK? I'm not advocating becoming selfish and putting yourself first at all times, but if you always put yourself last you'll never have the energy or the time left to do yourself justice. Don't you deserve to treat yourself to the same care and compassion you give to others?

What kind of messages do you send out about yourself? If you show the world that you don't value yourself then the world will learn that you are of no value and treat you accordingly. So if your family see you always outting yourself last and not respecting yoursel, then they will learn to do the same. If you make it clear that you think your feelings and opinions are worthless, then that's what your children will learn about you - and what will they learn about themselves as a consequence?

What little things could you do, every day, to show yourself that you love and value yourself? Maybe a walk in the fresh air, with the sun on your face would do it for you. Maybe some quiet time to yourself doing exactly what you want. Here's an idea:

Take a piece of paper and write on the top "If I were to live my life as if I really valued myself, I would..."

Now make a list of all the things you would do if that were true. Make it a list of positive things, so rather than saying "I would stop doing x", say "I would start doing y".

Once you've finished your list, pick 3 things on it that are easy to achieve and commit to incorporating them into your life - starting today. Next week pick 3 more and add them in. The week after that, pick 3 more and add them in, and so on.

In a month's time, you'll be living as if you really valued yourself - and you'll be astonished by how easy it was and what a difference it's made to you and those around you. I'd love to know how you get on...