On Valuing Yourself

Let's start with some rhetorical questions:

1) If you're a parent, what kind of life do you believe your children deserve? How do you whow them how much you value them?

Most loving parents desperately want their children to be happy, healthy and fulfilled, and do their utmost to make that happen. When they are little, we try to ensure they eat a good, healthy diet and get plenty of exercise. We cuddle them and read to them and play with them; we kiss it better when it hurts and we keep them safe while also giving them room to learn about risks and danger in a healthy way. As they get older, we gradually step back until they have enough space to stretch their wings and fly safely from the nest.

And as parents we know that Philip Larkin was right - despite all of our best intentions we still manage to get some stuff wrong and there will always be things that our children will hold against us. But if we've done our very best, our children will be secure in the knowledge that we value them above all else.

2) If you have a partner, what kind of life do you believe they deserve, and how do you show them how much you value them?

I believe that loving partners want only the best for each other. It's easy for that basic want to get lost in amongst the dishwashing, laundry, last-minute business trips and school holidays that make up family life, but a loving couple will still find the time somehow to look out for each other and do whatever they can to show each other they care. In my marriage, one of the ways this manifests itself is in my lovely husband bringing me tea and breakfast in bed every morning without fail (unless he's too ill to get up, which is very rare). It's only a little thing, but every morning I wake up to a reminder of how loved and valued I am - and that's not a little thing at all.

Now here comes the killer quesion: What kind of life do you think you deserve? And how do you show yourself how much you value yourself?

Do you make sure that you're happy, healthy and fulfilled? Or do your needs come at the bottom of the list, only to be tended to when you've made sure everyone else is OK? I'm not advocating becoming selfish and putting yourself first at all times, but if you always put yourself last you'll never have the energy or the time left to do yourself justice. Don't you deserve to treat yourself to the same care and compassion you give to others?

What kind of messages do you send out about yourself? If you show the world that you don't value yourself then the world will learn that you are of no value and treat you accordingly. So if your family see you always outting yourself last and not respecting yoursel, then they will learn to do the same. If you make it clear that you think your feelings and opinions are worthless, then that's what your children will learn about you - and what will they learn about themselves as a consequence?

What little things could you do, every day, to show yourself that you love and value yourself? Maybe a walk in the fresh air, with the sun on your face would do it for you. Maybe some quiet time to yourself doing exactly what you want. Here's an idea:

Take a piece of paper and write on the top "If I were to live my life as if I really valued myself, I would..."

Now make a list of all the things you would do if that were true. Make it a list of positive things, so rather than saying "I would stop doing x", say "I would start doing y".

Once you've finished your list, pick 3 things on it that are easy to achieve and commit to incorporating them into your life - starting today. Next week pick 3 more and add them in. The week after that, pick 3 more and add them in, and so on.

In a month's time, you'll be living as if you really valued yourself - and you'll be astonished by how easy it was and what a difference it's made to you and those around you. I'd love to know how you get on...

I'm Going To Rule The World - But Why Would Anyone Want Me To?

Well here's a thing. I give every appearance of being a confident individual with a grand plan, and yet something inside me is incredibly shy about getting out there and asking for work. I've had a number of coaching conversations about this, and so far nothing's solved the conundrum for me. So this blog is going to be an attempt at self coaching - I'm going to give myself a taste of my own medicine!

Here's the situation:

I know that I have marketable skills and a good USP (if you're not already familiar with it, have a look at my website.)

I have enough confidence in my ideas that I've just given up a 25-year career in the Civil Service, along with the associated non-contributory, index-linked, final salary pension, sick leave, annual cost of living pay-rises etc etc.

I've joined various networks, and I get good feedback and interest from the people I'm meeting; I've also contacted a number of people I've come across over the years to update them on my plans.

But I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with myself as I feel a kind of paralysis coming over me when it comes to doing anything more overt in terms of marketing. I want to understand what's behind the paralysis, and what I can do to overcome it.

With other coaches I've explored the idea that it might in some way be linked with something from my upbringing ("Don't show off") or the fact that I've spent an entire career being actively discouraged from talking about what I do. Clearly these are learned behaviours that aren't helpful in this situation, but I'm not satisfied that they are the root causes of this problem.

I've looked at whether it's because anything with the "marketing" label is unfamiliar territory, and I know I do have a tendency to panic and freeze if I don't know what to do - but then, I've done marketing for other things and it's never been a problem.

I've spent a number of sessions brainstorming ideas for things I could do to publicise myself, and I've acted upon some of them, but it doesn't feel like enough and it doesn't feel wholehearted.

So I'm left with some ideas and a feeling that I'm somehow letting myself down. Before I gave up the day job I made excuses that it was because I didn't have enough time, but I know that's not what this is really about. So what's going on here? Do I really have a problem, or am I just expecting too much of myself? I want to understand what it is I really want to achieve, whether marketing is the right thing to do to achieve it, and then decide what action I'm going to take.

And this is where the self-coaching experiment begins:

What are you frightened of?
Good question! (hasn't been asked before, and it came to me while I was typing the above). What am I frightened of? The first thing that comes to mind is rejection. What if I put myself out there, and find out that nobody's interested? Or that I'm not as skilled as I think I am? Will I discover that I've given up a secure job with good money for a pipe-dream that's never going to come true? I think this boils down to "what if nobody likes me?" - if I don't ask them I'll never find out if they don't, so it's safer not to ask.

What reactions have you had so far?
Very positive. Initially from friends/family and colleagues, but lately I've been networking with people that haven't met me before and the reception has all been positive. I've made a number of contacts that have been very complementary and interested in meeting up to discuss more - so why have I been shy of doing so? And the answer that comes back is "because they probably didn't mean it, they were just being polite". Hmmm...there's that rejection thing again.

How likely is it that they were just being polite?
Not very, actually, because during those networking sessions I've also come across people who weren't interested, and although we had perfectly pleasant conversations, it was clear that there was no interest in pursuing things. So if I actually think about it, I know that there are a bunch of potential clients out there who've met me, liked what they saw and heard and want to hear more from me - and I'm really keen to learn more about them as well.

So why have you not done anything about it?
Hmmm....not sure. Are they the right sort of potential clients? Some of them are, undoubtedly - and at the moment any kind of potential client is a good one! Maybe it's the length of the list, because I've got quite a long list now - I guess I don't have to do them all at once, so maybe if I promise myself to do 2 or 3 a day that will feel less intimidating.

What specifically is it that feels intimidating here?
I've always had a bit of a reluctance to ring people up out of the blue - even people I know, so there's some kind of shyness there. And although I know what my USP is, sometimes I get tongue-tied explaining it to people. So maybe what I need to do first is to get completely clear in my head who I am, what I'm about and what kind of work I'm looking for. That should make it easier to decide who to contact about what rather than doing a one size fits all approach. And saying that, I'm thinking that I've already done my market segmentation, so I know what I want to do and who I want to do it for, and I'm thinking that maybe part of my problem is that I keep having more ideas about things I could do, and they're stopping me from focusing. Yes, that sounds very likely, knowing me - I have lots of ideas and I like new things, so I get caught up in the excitement of the possible, rather than concentrating on the things that I've already decided to do. Aha! So - I could start a list of ideas, to keep and stroke and refer back to when I need them, but I should also focus back onto my target markets and think specifically about the best ways in which to approach them. Right - that feels both sensible and useful - so instead of scribbling my endless ideas on random bits of paper, I shall record them in a Special Book of Ideas so that I know where to find them when I want them - and then I can also sort out which ones will be of use for my target audiences.

That sounds like the start of a plan - you're going to keep an ideas book so that you can record your ideas safely, but also so that you can filter out the ones that might be interesting projects for the future but won't necessarily be of benefit right now.
Yes - I already have a beautiful empty notebook just waiting to be used - and I like the symbolism of having a beautiful book of ideas.

OK, so let's look at your target audiences and what you need to do to reach out to them.
I like the phrase "reach out to them" - it feels much more personal and less cynical than marketing. Ah! That was interesting - I don't think I'd realised there was a connection in my mind between marketing and cynicism before, but now that I think about it I'm aware of a feeling that there's some level of dishonesty associated with marketing - that it's about spin and gloss and only telling one side of the story. And I really don't want to do that - one of my core values is about authenticity and I would never want to make false promises or have a client turn round and say they'd been sold a pup.

So it sounds like you're making an assumption that marketing is inherently dishonest and you don't wish to be dishonest in your dealings with your clients - could that be what's holding you back?
It's certainly a new thought, and the more I think about the word "marketing" the more I'm conjuring up images of slick, greedy ad-men and snake-oil peddlers. And that's very clearly an unhelpful and limiting assumption for me to have at the moment because I'll never get any work if I don't let people know about me.

I think I'm hearing that it's actually the word "marketing" that gives you a problem, because of the things it makes you think of - how could you reframe what you need to do so that you don't have to think about "marketing" with all of the associated baggage?
Well I like the idea of "reaching out" to people, because it's a very visual image and it also conveys something to do with being helpful - it's altogether a much more positive image - I'd rather be reaching out to help someone than selling them something they don't need. Aha! Another unhelpful assumption about marketing! Strangely enough, the word "advertising" doesn't have the same negative overtones as "marketing" either - I feel perfectly comfortable with the idea of advertising my services. So, I want to concentrate on finding the best ways to advertise my services so that I can reach out to my target audiences. That feels MUCH better and far more wholesome, I'm comfortable with that idea.

OK, so we now have 2 elements to your plan - firstly there's the Beautiful Book of Ideas, and secondly you're going to concentrate on finding the best ways to advertise your services so that you can reach out to your target audiences.
Yes - and I feel much better already for having uncovered what the real blockage was. So now I want to really focus in on those target audiences, prioritise the order in which I want to address them, and then come up with 2 or 3 things I can do to reach out to each group.

OK - so tell me about your target audiences
I've identified 3 - I want to work with individuals, as a personal coach; I want to work in schools/universities with high-performing young people and perhaps their teachers; and I want to work within corporations providing Executive and/or Senior management Coaching and leadership Development. And while I've been typing that, I've realised that what I haven't done is to prioritise or to make any attempt to focus my attentions on any particular group - and that's clearly what I need to do.

So what thoughts are you having about that now?
Well, I think that corporate work is going to take the longest to sort out, but it will be the most lucrative in the end. I've made some contacts already and have a couple of leads to follow up, which I shall do in the next couple of weeks, but if I concentrate solely on that it will be a while before I see any money coming in and I do need to start earning before too long. I think that, at least initially, personal work is where I should be focusing and I think this is exactly the time of year to do that - now is when people start to make New Year's Resolutions and I've already had some ideas around what I could offer. I'm quite strapped for cash, but I don't need to spend that much money to advertise what I've got in mind initially, and if the low cost advertising takes off then I will be able to expand my advertising into places where it will cost me to advertise.

OK, so you've got a couple of corporate leads to follow up but you're expecting that to take some time, so initially you want to focus your efforts on personal coaching, and you have some ideas around how to do that at not much expense. What about your 3rd group?
The schools, yes. I've been in to one school and I've sent speculative emails out to several others and to the LEA but had no response - and that makes me unwilling to follow up because I assume it means they're not interested.

Ah - what else could it mean?
Well any number of things - the emails could have gone to the wrong address, they could have been sifted out by spam filters, they could have been read and then forgotten about because people are very busy - I have to say that emails don't come with any distinctive stamp or personality about them, and that's a big part of my USP - my email is just going to get lost in a pile with everyone else's, I need to contact people in a way that's distinctive and stands out. And now I'm slapping my forehead because I've had some gloriously distinctive stationery printed, which isn't going to get lost in anyone's intray! So, if I want to renew my efforts with the schools side of things I need to think carefully about my offer and then send some beautiful, distinctive hard-copy letters and brochures out - and make it really easy for people to reply to me -s o SAEs will need to be enclosed. I already have brochures that I can enclose so half the work is already done.

OK that sounds like another plan - tell me where you are now with your thinking.
Right - so now I'm concentrating on reaching out to my target audiences and letting them know what I can do for them and( importantly to me) why I want to work specifically with them. I already have some actions in hand with regard to finding corporate clients, but I'm looking on that as a longer term, more strategic project. My tactical approach will be to focus on advertising to potential personal coaching clients, concentrating specifically on coaching around New Year's Resolutions. In tandem with that, I will put together a memorable mail-shot to local schools, the LEA and other groups associated with young people.
I feel much better and more positive now that I've dealt with the idea of "marketing" and its associations, and realised that it's not appropriate for what I want to be doing at the moment.

That all sounds positive - when are you going to do all of these things?
Well the corporate stuff is already planned in, so that will happen in the next couple of weeks. I shall work on my advertising materials today and tomorrow with the aim of having them ready to distribute early next week. Once that's done, I will work on my mailshot and aim to send that out by the end of next week.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to do that?
I'd say barring anything unforeseen, around an 8 or 9.

What would need to happen to make it a 10?
I'd need to know I was letting someone down (apart from myself!) if I didn't do it. So, dear reader, if you've read this far, it would really help me if you could add a comment letting me know what you think, if you have any hints and tips that might help me - and that you'll be checking up on me to find out how I've got on!

On Being Brave Enough To Be Truly Yourself

Can you be truly happy and fulfilled if you're always trying to pretend to be someone or something you're not?

And what's the worst that could happen if you decided to let the world see the real you?

Two conversations this week with different people have led me to want to talk about this subject, which is very dear to my heart as it's the underlying basis that Colourful Coaching is built around - that the world would be a better place if we all felt at peace with our true selves and could concentrate on using and developing our natural talents and gifts, rather than wasting energy trying to be something we're not.

I well remember the sheer misery of being a teenager and feeling like I was an alien - wherever I was and whoever I was with, I felt awkward and uncomfortable, constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

I felt as if I was the wrong size and shape, wore the wrong clothes, liked the wrong music, enjoyed the wrong passtimes and was just generally wrong. Part of the reason I enjoy Harry Enfield's creation Kevin the Teenager is that I remember alarmingly well how it felt to believe that the entire world was against me and no-one understood me - Kevin's eternal cry of "It's so unfair" is a very useful shorthand for all of those miserable feelings.

As we get older, it tends to be the case that we become more comfortable in our own skin and less concerned with what the rest of the world thinks of us. But that doesn't make it any easier to let the world see our true colours. All sorts of things can lead us to believe that we need to behave in a certain way, and we end up living a life that makes us feel dissatisfied or unhappy in some way.

• "I really want to do something creative but that's a childish idea"
• "I hate my job but it's unrealistic to expect to enjoy what you do for a living"
• "My parents will be really angry if I don't do what they want me to do, even though I hate the idea"
• "I have to earn at least £80k to be a success but I really want to work with vulnerable people and that doesn't pay"
• "Living my life this way makes me depressed, but it's what my wife/husband expects of me so I have no choice"
• "What my job requires of me feels totally unethical and goes against my personal values but I'm trapped here"
  

These are all variations of things clients have said to me, or that I have said to myself over the years, and they are all examples of the tension that arises when we try to be something we're not.

Living your life to fulfil someone elses's expectations is a sure route to unhappiness because you're always going to be at war within yourself.

Living your life to match up to assumptions you've made about how life should be lived, rather than living the kind of life that will fulfil you, will inevitably kill your spirit.

There are so many people out there who appear to have it all but are actually living dull, grey lives - people who appear to have the perfect job/house/marriage/bank account/figure/kids but plod through their days feeling somehow let down or frustrated by life.

Are you one of those people?

Ask yourself these 3 questions:

• How do I feel at the prospect of another 20 years of living as I do today?

• If I knew I was brave enough, what would I change about my life?

• What does the Real Me want to do with my life?

You know already whether or not you're living a life that serves your values and allows your real self to thrive. If you are, make sure you take the time to appreciate the fact, and to appreciate that you are fortunate enough to have people around you to support you, as I do.

If you're not, maybe it's time to start thinking about taking your first steps towards getting back in touch with the real you, so that you can reveal your true colours to the world in all their glory and start to achieve your true potential.

Think what an amazing world we would be living in if everyone did the same...